Taken from the book Young Lady's Guide by Mr. Harvey Newcomb
Marriage is a matter which should be weighed deliberately and seriously by every young person. It is a matter of great importance, having a direct bearing upon the glory of God and the happiness of individuals. It should, therefore, never be approached with lightness and levity. But it is also foolish to make it a subject of constant thought and conversation.
Marriage is a desirable state. It was ordained by the Lord at creation, as suited to the state of man as a social being, and necessary to the design for which he was created. But we should not consider marriage as absolutely indispensable. It is an ordinance of God, but he has not said that everyone must be married. Single life is certainly to be preferred to a connection with a person who will diminish our happiness instead of increase it. The enjoyments of married life have their corresponding difficulties and trials; the situation would be extremely difficult with the added burden of an unhappy connection. Whatever may be our condition in life, whether married or single, if we seek it with earnestness and diligence, God will give us grace sufficient for our circumstance.
The following are qualifications required for a companion for life. They are more closely applied to the man, but are of such a nature as can be applied with profit to both. The first group are indispensable; the second are desirable.
FIRST GROUP
1. The first requisite in a companion for life is PIETY.
How can a Christian form so intimate a connection with one who is living in rebellion against God? How can a union be formed between the carnal and the renewed heart? They are in direct opposition to each other. The Scriptures are very clear and decided on this point: “Be not ye, therefore, unequally yoked with unbelievers.”
In this respect, look not only for an outward profession of Christianity, but for evidence of deep and devoted piety. Look for a person who makes religion the chief concern of his life; who is determined to live for God, and not for himself. Make this the test.
2. Another indispensable requisite is an AMIABLE DISPOSITION.
Whatever good qualities a person may possess, if he or she is selfish, sour, angry over petty things, fretful, or passionate, the person will make an uncomfortable companion. Grace can do much toward subduing these, but they may still break out in the family circle.
3. The person of your choice must possess a WELL-CULTIVATED MIND.
In order to produce a community of feeling, and maintain a growing interest in each other's society, both parties must possess minds well stored with useful knowledge, and capable of continued expansion. We may love a person for his piety alone, but we cannot long enjoy his society, as a constant companion, unless that piety is mingled with intelligence. To secure your esteem, as well as your affections, he must be capable of intelligent conversation on all subjects of general interest. It is especially necessary in a husband, that he be not your inferior . A young woman cannot entertain suitable feelings of respect and deference towards the man who is to be her head , if he is inferior to herself in mental capacity and intelligence.
4. His sentiments and feelings, on general subjects, must be CONGENIAL with your own.
Persons whose views and feelings in relation to the common concerns of life are opposite, may render each other very unhappy. Particularly, if a young woman possesses a refined sensibility herself, she must look for delicacy of feeling in a companion. A very worthy man may render you unhappy by an habitual disregard of your feelings.
5. Another requisite is ENERGY OF CHARACTER.
A man of energy can, by the blessing of God, make his way through this world, and support a family, in this land of plenty, by his own industry, in some lawful calling. You may be certain of the blessing of God, if you obey and trust him. But do not trust yourself with a man who is inefficient in his undertakings. This would be leaning upon a broken staff.
6. The person of your choice must be NEARLY OF YOUR OWN AGE.
Should the man be younger than the woman, the woman may be tempted to look upon the man as an inferior; and old age will overtake her first. It often happens that a woman marries a man of advancing years. This should be thought improper. In such cases the woman is called upon to perform the office of a daughter and nurse rather than a wife.
SECOND GROUP
7. It is desirable that the person with whom you form a connection for life should possess a SOUND BODY.
A person of vigorous constitution will be more capable of struggling with the difficulties and trials of this world, than one who is weak in body.
8. REFINEMENT OF MANNERS is a very desirable quality in a companion for life.
This renders a person's society more agreeable and pleasant, and may be the means of increasing his usefulness. Yet it will not do to make it a test of character, for often persons of bright talents and intelligence have neglected the cultivation of their manners. Courtesy may be cultivated by a person of good sense who appreciates its importance.
9. A SOUND JUDGMENT is also very necessary to enable a man to direct the common affairs of life.
This also may be cultivated by experience, and therefore cannot be called indispensable.
10. PRUDENCE is very desirable.
The rashest youth, however, will learn prudence by experience. After a few falls, a man will look forward before he steps, that he may foresee and shun the evil that is before him; but, if a woman choose such a man, take care that you do not fall with him, and both of you break your necks together.
11. It is a matter of great importance that the person with whom you form a connection for life, should belong to the same denomination of Christians with yourself.
If this is not considered, there is serious danger of its giving rise to unpleasant feelings and becoming an occasion of discord.
In addition to these, your own good sense and taste will suggest many other desirable qualities in a companion for life.
Before receiving the attentions of a young man, a woman's first object [with her parents' help] should be to ascertain whether he possesses those prominent traits of character considered indispensable. If he lacks any one of these, she should receive no more attentions. Inform him openly, but spare his feelings as much as possible with Christian sincerity and courtesy. If the young woman [and her parents] are satisfied that he possesses these prominent and necessary traits of character, next look for those qualities which you consider desirable. If you discover few or none of these, it will be a serious objection against him. But she need not expect to find them all combined in any one person. If she seeks for a perfect character, she will be disappointed.
While deciding these points, both parties should keep their feelings under control. Suffer them to have no influence upon your judgment. Many persons have destroyed their happiness by allowing their feelings to get the better of their judgment. Seek wisdom from the Lord. He directs our ways, and we cannot expect to be prospered in any thing wherein we neglect to acknowledge him and seek his direction.
Once the young woman and her parents have satisfied themselves in relation to these things, and the young man has distinctly made his intentions known, the woman may remove the restraint from her feelings. A happy and prosperous union must have for its basis a mutual love and affection of a peculiar kind. Such depraved creatures as we are need the aid of the warmest affections to enable us to exercise that mutual patience and forbearance that is so necessary to the peace and happiness of a home.